A Sad Halloween Evening

Halloween turned into a bit of a damp squib for me in more ways than one. To begin with, it really was a damp squib - it rained, a lot. Secondly, I went with Kimberley and Julian to the Turf Tavern for the Halloween party there which promised a treasure hunt and winning beer for a year but it all kind of petered out. The treasure hunt for one was incredibly hard and caused us to give up pretty quickly, though we did manage to find a couple of clues just by literally running into them. And to think we all made an effort to dress up - Kimberely in her little witches outfit with glitter and me in Kimberley's skeleton outfit which was meant for kids aged 12 apparently.......

Instead, the entire evening flew by randomly talking to people. Talked to Gillian for quite a bit in the kitchen about lots of random stuff. All this is fun, but I need to start getting my life in order! How many times do I have to say this for it to actually happen?

All Night Mahjong Session

Had a fun night playing Mahjong with Xin Hui, Mun, Denise and Daowei (who left early). It was good fun - I always loved Mahjong and it was wonderful to be able to have a go at it with some friends even in Oxford. Sadly, we weren't playing for money, which would have made things more interesting, especially since I won quite a number of big hands especially in the second round we played.

The days fly by

Another day where nothing much seems to have happened. Finished my copy of The Rise and Fall of Atheism instead of finishing a boring philosophy essay on induction. So much for motivation. Woke up late, did my hour in the library, returned some Union library books and went to the tutorial and blagged basically.

Then it was the quiz squad tryouts in the evening. Had only seven people turn up, some of whom were really impressive though. I am getting rather disillusioned with the quiz squad as it is taking up an enormous amount of my time - every monday of the the term plus a lot of other days beside, and I guess I have just gone a bit overboard with all the quizzing and I need a bit of a break from it.

Worse still, I have an essay for tomorrow that is not yet written and needs doing tonight. Oh joy.

Things that I should Do

BE HAPPY - After all life is too short to be unhappy, right? What is the point of being unhappy? But then again, it's not just a matter of willing yourself to be happy. You can't just decide one day and tell yourself - I WILL be happy and then it is so. It doesn't come in nice little bottles that say - take one tablet a day to be happy (well there is prozac). So what should I do? Smile more, say all the right encouraging things, trip and bounce along saying things like "oh my, what an absolutely marvellous day!" and "isn't it just wonderful!" and "golly, gee, gosh"... ok this is clearly not working, is it?

BE ORGANIZED - Things will suddenly arrange themselves such that they do not clash. Essays will get done earlier than 10 minutes before the deadline. Lectures will be attended. Piles of papers and books will not cover the desk and the adjoining floor space. And of course, King Arthur will one day rule over the Britons once again, and Singapore will have free and fair elections.

BE MOTIVATED - Regret is the greatest of all well, regrets? I coulda been a contender, the saddest words of mouth or pen are the words it might have been and so on. So, it would be rather sad to not make the most of things, or what you would perceive later to be the most of things. But yes, the resolutions do work harder, do more, read more books, all happended before. Been there done that.

ENJOY LIFE - Suspiciously like "Be Happy" but with a subtle difference. What does one mean by saying that life should be "enjoyed" anyhow? That life should have meaning and pleasure? My life has meaning, well, ok I am not exactly saving the world but still. There is also the problem of not really knowing if you are really properly enjoying life. I mean after all the desires that we have may not be our 'true' desires - do I really want to spend money on alcohol when all it does is reduce my productivity and causes maudlin self-reflection like this?

IMPROVE FASHION SENSE - Firstly, I do have a fashion sense. Everyone does of course. It is like saying "I can't sing!" Of course you can darling, everyone can it is a matter of whether you can sing well. Therein lies the rub. By the common definition I fall by the wayside in this manner. To be frank, I have surmised that when it comes to fashion, you can get away with just about anything as long as you wear it with confidence and you are extremely comfortable in it. What with the random bits of stuck together cloth that panders for dresses nowadays, this cannot but be the case. The problem is - I am not comfortable and confident in just about anything.


DISCLAIMER: For the Singaporeans who are reading this and think that I have descended into a state of wallowing self pity, I wrote this completely tongue in cheek (yes I know that is not technically possible, but this is a metaphor). One is therefore not entitled to read to deeply into my state of mind from the above comments. Any person entering a depressive state as a result of the above: the author takes no responsibility from symptoms of depression, melancholy, nihilism, absurdity or anything of that ilk that comes from reading this entry.

Trafalgar

The British are busy celebrating the 200th Anniversary of Trafalgar - the battle that is not the square (but of course you knew this already!). It is being so trumpeted mainly because of the following (1) they thrashed the French no less (2) The British have this thing about naval supremacy and this battle more than anything else underlined that.

More instructive I think would be for them to celebrate the 100th Anniversary of the entente cordiale with France, though it would be far less popular. In terms of keeping with the times, it would be even more instructive if they were to celebrate the 50th anniversary of the Suez Crisis next year, as that event more than anything is representative of what happened in the end - imperial retreat.

Philosophical and Theological Ramblings

Spent the whole of today writing an essay for a class at 4pm and missed most of my lectures as a result - ah well, so much for resolutions.

Having unsigned myself from Guest Night, deciding that as much as the food was wonderful, I preferred a quiet evening instead of too much fun and excitement, I was consigning myself to dinner with a book for company when I met Carmody who invited me to dinner with Francesco, a friend of her's who is reading PPE at Greyfriar's. We had a very engaging conversation about Catholicism and belief which I definitely found very insightful indeed. These issues have indeed been weighing heavily on my mind - that is issues of faith, belief and meaning; all deeply metaphysical and vitally important I think. A great deal of what I found insightful were the demystifying and correcting of many of the prejudices I had about Catholicism. I found very interesting the aspect of the Catholic faith that says that the individual's conscience is the ultimate guide to what is right or wrong, and is sovereign in that respect - no matter what church doctrine might state.

Further to this is the fact that Catholics do not make any judgements about salvation. In Francesco's view (something that is shared by the majority of Catholics he claims), a person who does not know Christ can still be 'saved' - indeed an individual who has explicitly rejected Christ can still be saved, because he may be living in accordance to God. This does address one of the fundamental problems that I have always had against organized religion, mainly of the evangelical vein as to how a merciful God can damn people who have never had the opportunity of hearing the word of God. The evangelical view is inconsistent and problematic precisely because they claim that salvation comes only through the personal acceptance of God, and indeed many of them claim that once you have heard the word of God and you reject it, you lose all chance of salvation. My logical response to that has always been as follows - I would then rather not hear anything of God at all - I would prefer to run away from all evangelicals. Why? It is certainly akin to running from the truth, if that is indeed what it is, but it certainly seems safer than facing the possibility of damnation!

More problematic for me was the view that Jesus created the Church as a representation of himself, as a single body of Christ, and that the Catholic church was the founding church and thus represents the 'true' church. Francesco strongly believed that the Church should never have been divided. A corollary to this is the idea of the Bible as 'text' - that is as having a variety of meanings. It is thus inherent on the Church or the individual to interprete the bible. This is why I find the notion that the bible is the word of God and should be taken literally as one that is just plain ridiculous. As such, he claims that the Catholic Church, as the one who has the weight of tradition and thinking about it represents that which can best interprete the teachings of Christ. He does point out, rightfully in my view that such things as the 'Holy Trinity' are nowhere to be found in the bible but are instead ecumenical doctrine that has since been accepted by the evangelical and protestant movements. However, I think doctrine, by its nature is open to interpretation and definition and the Catholic Church has no claim of monopoly over that.

Then there are aspects of the Church and its doctrine that I find harder to accept - one of which is the 'cult of Mary' and the whole idea of the immaculate conception. That Mary was born without sin as God willed it I can just about accept - that she did not sin to the point until Jesus was born I find rather less able to swallow. Then as well there is the fact that the Catholic Church tends to be highly secretive, something that I dislike - I find it much more accomodating to people if a church were open.

In addition, I just had a long discussion with my housemate who is a protestant and she says that the so-called ideas which I find very engaging - with regards to the idea of the sovereignity of the conscience as well as the idea of salvation being judged by God alone are central tenets of the protestant faith. In fact, she claims the former as a fundamental aspect of protestantism and the core of the split with the Catholic Church itself. Indeed, protestants often hold to a belief in a much more individual God, and the whole point is that each individual has a personal relationship with God and his conscience is meant to be the guide as to what is right and wrong. It tends to be the Catholic Church which is rather more dogmatic with its pronouncements that are meant to be followed by all its members. In the case of the latter, it could well be a small number of evangelicals that are giving protestants a bad name.

But anyhow, enough of metaphysical ramblings. It is good enough I think that I am thinking about it. I am also reading a book called The Twilight of Atheism by Alistair McGrath, which is a history of Atheism and very interesting indeed. As I would tell anyone who cared to listen, the most fundamental thing is to continually search for truth, wherever it may be.

Quite A Day - GRE Scores

Just thought I would write about Wednesday which turned into quite a day, busy but filled with generally good news.

Got up late which was not good and had to cycle in a mad rush down to College and postpone my shift in the library (I usually work from 2-3pm on weekdays shelving books) so I could go to the careers fair at the town hall. It was the management consultancies who were down, and I am genuinely interested in a job with a consultancy firm, as an alternative to journalism and post-graduate study, so I was glad I made the effort to go down. Talked to the usual - McKinsey, who were really popular and very impressive, Bain, Mercer Oliver and Wyman and a few smaller ones who looked interested as well. An ex-Trinity post-grad was actually at the Bain booth, having completed his Phd and found a job with Bain almost immediately. They talk a great deal about Oxford grads being much sought after and employable and I sure do hope this is the case.

On the way over, I picked up my GRE scores, which turned out pretty good. I scored 670 on verbal, which I already knew, but that was good enough for 94th percentile, though my 750 for math surprisingly only put me on the 80th percentile, but I did horribly run out of time for the math paper, so it could have gone a lot worse. The highlight was definitely the fact that I scored a full 6.0 out of 6.0 for the writing component, and given that it placed me in the 96th percentile, only 4% of the people scored maximums. Overall, pretty well pleased with the results, and given the amount of prep put in (which was decent but not a really great deal) should be quite happy about everything really.

Later in the afternoon, to add to the excitement, I auditioned for mastermind, which is probably the most prestigious game show in the United Kingdom. The audition consisted of 20 questions, and it went pretty well I think. Got a few of them right, but got one or two wrong which I really should have gotten right - the question that definitely will bug me is one where the answer was Andy Warhol, and it was stuck at the back of my head and couldn't quite make it out. It will be an interesting wait of two weeks or so to see if I can qualify.

Then to top off a massively crazy day, I had a wonderful Jardine dinner with Jim and Mary Reid at the Old Parsonage Hotel. I think I was in quite a witty, wisecracking mood on the evening, partly aided by rushing around madly for most of the day, and missing lunch, and I expounded on just about anything and everything. I just hope that I did not seem too much of a wise ass - Bianca and Janet were their usual quiet but still forceful selves and didn't seem to mind and the Reids did enjoy it I think. The two new scholars sitting at the other end of the table did seem a bit dazed, especially with my frankness, but they will soon learn, I hope!

So definitely one for the annals - a crazy day for sure.

Random Time Warp

Looking over the past few days, I have no idea where the time has gone. I had a major essay crisis on Sunday night for Monday and basically never recovered. Several long, completely unproductive nights later, with no work done and basically nothing accomplished, I find myself here again staring at my computer, facing another essay crisis. It's like all that time has disappeared down some random time warp and there has been nothing to show from it.

I guess it has been just a bit difficult to get going. The term starts and you have your high ambitions about attending lectures and going for classes and doing essays, and somehow things don't quite live up to the ideal, and disintegrate very quickly. It's not even like I am not interested in what I am doing - very often I really am, I guess it is a matter of being able to just plan your life, sit down and get things done, and I really have to make more of any effort.

Anyway, I shall leave this piece of self-reflection/ranting/feeble plea into the ether here and try and get back to my essay.

Welcome back Dear Computer

First of all, the recent reticence is very much down to the fact that my computer died on me last Wednesday, and I have felt almost half naked ever since. Still, just less than a week without my laptop has helped me learn just how much time I waste on internet - it is quite crazy really and leads to yet another resolution with regards to turning my life around....

It was a lazy evening spent watching quite a lot of television. It was University Challenge as usual, followed by an interesting Documentary on Israel-Palestine and the Camp David accords. That was soon followed by a half-hour special documenting the announcement of the winner of the Booker prize, which went to The Sea by John Banville which was quite a bit of a shock really. It also marked the abject failure of my hopes to finish all six shortlisted books before the announcement - I had finished half of Barry's A Long Long Way.

Going back late yet again, I realized that I had hardly been back earlier than 10pm most evenings - living so far out there is a tendency to just hang around college so save making too many trips, but even then it seems to be a sign of how busy things have been.

Questionairre

I stole this off of Douglas who stole it off of Ben and thus the virus of random questionairres spread. But here goes.....

1. Name someone with the same birthday as you

Well, I don't actually know anyone else who shares a birthday with me, though I do recall that my birthday shares it's date with the outbreak of the first gulf war. A quick check on born-on-this-day.com however shows that I share my birthday with former tennis great Pete Sampras, horror director Wes Craven, Rose Tremain among others

2. Where was your first kiss?

It happened in University, which is symptomatic of my love life really.......

3. Have you ever seriously vandalized someone else's property?

No. I am far too civic minded for that.

4. Have you ever hit someone of the opposite sex?

Well I probably have hit my sister at some point, but I was probably very young at that time. I tend to be rather non-violent by nature.

5. Have you ever sung in front of a large number of people?

Yes, I have been a member of various choirs including my church choir - The Sunbeans and the College Choir. I also did a concert in Arts Week when I was possesed by a fit of madness. I do really enjoy singing, whether in front of large numbers of people or not.

6. What's the first thing you notice about the preferred sex?

I would say eyes, like most people, as that seems the romantic thing to say, windows into the soul and all of that, but I will be honest and say their legs.

7. What really turns you on?

Someone who is assertive and knows what they want. Someone who is really witty and intelligent. Dressing well and putting on makeup definitely helps as well - though to be honest I think it's best never to just judge by appearances.

8. What do you order at Starbucks?

Strawberry and cream frappuccino, usually grande

9. What is your biggest mistake?

I have done many things that I have regretted. In general, not valuing my close friends and relatives as much as I should and taking things for granted.


10. Have you ever hurt yourself on purpose?

Well, not really. Though I have collided with a lamp post once while reading the paper and walking.

11. Say something totally random about yourself

I tend to be incapable of saying anything totally random, especially about myself, when I am instructed to do that very thing. I do have a tendency to do that at the most unexpected moments, which is all the fun really.

12. Has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity?

You have got to be kidding. The only thing people say about me appearance wise is that i look really young and rather boyish. I choose to take that as a compliment.

13. Do you still watch kiddy movies or tv shows?

I do love animated movies, and I love Disney movies. I think the cartoons they show on TV are quite dire compared to what I watched in my day.

14. Did you have braces?

Yes. I am apparently missing two teeths - they never grew in after the milk teeth dropped out, so I had then for about four years.

No.15. Are you comfortable with your height?

Well..... I am short, but let us just say that I have come to accept it.

16. What is the most romantic thing someone of the preferred sex has done for you?

Oh dear. I don't think I tend to inspire much in this department. I am after all a person who once only received a chocolate from the Christian Union telling me that God loves me on Valentine's Day. Receiving a letter on lovely notepaper from someone I care for must count as near the top.

17. When do you know it's love?

If you had the answer to this one you would be a millionaire. I personally don't know. I would say that I am getting rather cynical in general about all these romantic notions. Perhaps when you feel like a lesser person without that special someone by your side.

18. Do you speak any other languages?

Rather poor Chinese seeing that I learned in school for so many years. Vain ambitions to learn other languages, particularly Spanish.



19. Have you ever been to a tanning salon?

Nope. Firstly, because I don't need to resort to that to get a tan. Secondly, because I am hardly that vain.

20. What magazines do you read?

The Economist, National Geographic, New Yorker, occasionally the Spectator and Foreign Affairs.

22. Has anyone you were really close to passed away?

Well, two of my grandparents.

23. Do you watch mtv?

Used to leave it on as background noise. Don't watch much TV in general these days.

24. What's something that really annoys you?

People who don't enjoy a good debate, close-minded individuals, fundamentalists

25. What's something you really like?

Meeting someone on the street whom you haven't seen for awhile, finding people who share my viewpoint and interests. A fine glass of wine is a also something I love. Oh, and getting a quiz questions right - that always does it for me.

26. Do you like Michael Jackson?

No, not really. I did listen to him a bit when I was a lot younger but I think he is ridiculous to be honest.

27. Can you dance?

Depends on what kind of dancing. I used to be awkward in clubs, but then I think I realized is that the most fundamental thing is not to be self concious about it at all, and just be as natural as you can. I have done Dancesport for a year or so, and that was quite fun.



28. What's the latest you have ever stayed up?

I once went 48 hours or so without sleep. Wouldn't recommend it. I am generally a night owl, so staying up through the night is not uncommon.

29. Have you ever been rushed by an ambulance into the emergency room?

Not at all. I don't think I have ever been hospitalized before. Nor have I ever broken a bone, or got chicken pox. I am very fortunate in that respect.

British Civilisation and Taps

The British are among the more advanced societies and civilisations on this planet, having given us Shakespeare, Jane Austen, lots of different poets, Faraday and the electric generator, the first steam engine, the discovery of the structure of DNA and the first cloned sheep among other things. Yet, in a few very basic and fundamental areas, the British are woefully lacking and inadequate.

The subject of this particular rant is taps. Where much of the rest of the modern world has moved on to taps with an adjustable flow of both cold and hot water together, the redoubtable British washroom (or toilet in British parlance) continues to have sinks spouting two seperate faucets - hot and cold. And when they are labelled HOT and COLD, they are very serious about it - they are respectively either very hot or very cold.

It was with some surprise and no little pleasure when I found that there was only one faucet in the sink in the kitchen of my flat. That is until I turned the hot and cold knobs and found that the water issuing from that single faucet did not come out in a single stream, but incredibly, fell in two seperate ones (from the same faucet!) - you guessed it, one stream being scaldingly hot and the other ice cold. This, needless to say, left one rather inconvenienced when doing things like washing dishes - you alterned between freezing and scalding your fingers while trying desperately to rinse a pan. A kodak moment missed was surely the expression on my face when I first turned on the taps - it went from pleasurable anticipation, to incredulity, to severe irritation.

A solution was on hand though, and a very Singaporean one at that. Gillian, my housemate, tore a piece of strong thin cloth and secured it to the faucet head with two rubber bands, so that the water emitting from the tap had to go though the cloth and thus emerge in one (vaguely larger) stream. It takes two people from a former colony to solve one of the great things lacking from British Civilisation - single faucets that work.

Tour Guide Caleb and Starting Anew

I have commented in the past about my love of playing the tour guide to visiting friends in Oxford, and I had ample opportunity today, which I seized perhaps too enthusiastically, when I met up with Timothy Tay and his parents in Oxford. Tim had arrived the day before and sent an email round seeing who was around, and I finally was able to get him in his room on Saturday evening, so I offered to meet with him for lunch and a tour around Oxford.

I think bringing people round does play up to my ego in two very fundamental ways - it allows me to spout all sorts of random historical facts, which appeals to my love of random facts and history, and it also allows me to be the center of attention and to flaunt my hidden urge to be a showman, with all the wit and charm that I can muster.

All in all, I had a pleasant afternoon, first having lunch with his parents and a friend from London at Brown's - reknown as the restaurant that everybody brings their parents to and proceeded to bring them around Trinity as well as a rushed tour of Oxford.

I am afraid that I was very much my useful (overly) outspoken self - but I find that I really can't help it. Being able to hold forth on all and sundry is something that I just seem to enjoy, and expressing and arguing my viewpoint is something that I really do love, perhaps to too great a degree. My only hope, as always, is that I did not shock them to too great a degree.

In many ways I envy Tim his first arriving in Oxford, the sense of beginning, of ample opportunity and discovery; of hundreds of people to meet and friends to make, the sense of being able to do it all. This stems in part from my melancholy comments of recent times about the so called social ossification that has happened, so I do envy him this clean slate. It is perhaps the most natural thing to wish for the chance to be able to do things anew - the what ifs and the might have beens always do tend to weigh heavily on one's mind.

But I admit that sense of discovery most of all - the chance to fall in love with Oxford and all it has to offer. And in a more positive note, a chord of hope so to speak, I realize that this sense of discovery isn't after all lost to me completely. There is still much to find, and much to try, new people to meet, new challenges to face, and I should do so with a general inclination towards enjoy whatever time I have left here, and whatever surprises Oxford still has to throw at me.

The Universal Search for Company

It was Alexander Pope (or was it John Donne) that wrote that no man is an island, and those words cannot be more true. One of the universal attributes of humanity is that people are constantly seeking companionship. People, in general, are not good alone. Somewhere along the line, they require company, conversation. Human beings yearn, at their core to communicate, and to not be able to do so is to suffer an irreparable loss of their own beings.

I have often complained in the past year or so at the socially groupings that have come about in College, about how things have changed from a large group of people mixing freely to this mass breaking up into little clusters of exlusive groups characterized more than anything by their self-containment. I have often bemoaned this fate, yearning for the days when everybody first started getting to know each other, and when everyone more or less got along. I complained heartily about the fact that I always felt that I was on the fringes of everything - mixing at the edges of many of these social formations, but never completely at home in any of them. Today again, I had cause for complaint in this regard, when I realized that there was a party going on upstairs in Sinead's room, but was rebuffed when I knocked on the door by one of her flatmates. I once again felt this sense of social exclusion, which has always annoyed me and been a large block on my shoulder.

As an offshoot for the moment, the British have a remarkable talent for rebuffing people in the most polite way, whilst making it completely clear in the doing so that they are not only not welcome, but that they are not at all liked. It is one of those things that only the British can manage, and that with considerable aplomb, with a seeming flick of their wrist. Whereas the Americans can manage a "get lost" or "f**k off" at best, the British do it sounding ever so genteel, but with actually much greater vehemence.

Going back to the topic at hand, in many ways, this social stratification goes on precisely because people do seek a sense of belonging, and it is much easier to find in a small group. Even within smaller groups, there remains a multiplicity of opinions and of personalities. Choosing a restaurant to go to while out with 5 or 6 friends can already be a challenge, let alone in a larger group, so perhaps it is only natural for people to align themselves in a small group with the people they are most comfortable with and in which there would be least possible conflict.

I guess I am often far too hard up about all of this social politics. People have often pointed out that I do have very many friends and acquaintances and I shouldn't be particularly worried with regards to all of this. I am certainly no social recluse, and perhaps that is the issue of it. I am a person who works actively to break down any boundaries, and I really do love meeting people at the heart of it.

Still, Sinead made a special effort to come down and visit tonight, which did me feel a lot better. Perhaps, the important lesson to be learned is this, to really find and acknowledge your friends and to treasure them. After all, would I really have enjoyed spending time in the company of the rest of them? Or would I have enjoyed the company of Sinead coming to visit more? There is really no point in socializing when you are not enjoying it, and that is certainly a lesson to be learned.

The Ridiculousnes of Army Bureacracy

I just received an email from my parents that has really upset me. Apparently my Unit in the army has sent me a bill for items that I was responsible for misplacing in April 2003 when I was still an NSF and they are requesting that I pay up $160 immediately. Needless to say, I am very angry at this and find this utterly totally ridiculous to say the least. It seems that the army just cannot let go, you are liable to stand accused of anything any number of years after you have left. It's like a ghost perpetually haunting you.

In the first place, it has been two and a half years since I have left the army, which is a very long time. The letter stated that I have to pay up the sum within 14 days of receipt of the notice, which is ludicrous considering that I am officially deferred from the army due to me studying overseas. How can I meet the deadline when I am not even in Singapore? Even with my parents forwarding the letter to me, it will be at least a week before I even receive the letter here in the UK.

More ridiculous still is the very fact that they only stated a date and claimed that I am responsible for the lost items. They never explained how they were lost, why I was responsible, whether there was an officer in charge, whether there was an investigation launched into how the items went missing and so on. It may seem quite ridiculous but these are procedures that you must follow within the army. They can't seriously expect me to receive a letter in that manner and meekly lie down and accept culpability? In fact, that probably is what they are expecting, and one of the big problems within the army. It is like an oblique abuse of power. You must do X or else...... and that is good enough for most people. They cave in like a house of cards. Sadly, I won't give them that satisfaction.

Then, there is the small matter of me ORDing and severing ties with my Unit. Prior to doing so, the Quartermaster has to sign my release paper, as well as the stores Sergaent in my Company, signifying that I do not owe anything to the Unit and that everything is accounted for. I also handed over all the stores I was in charge of to the person taking over from me. All these papers were signed. So I find it utterly and totally ridiculous that they are trying to get me to take responsiblity now, 2 years later, for stores that have gone missing. Once I have signed over everything, shouldn't the liability for it be borne by the Unit or whomever is taking over? In real life this clearly would be the case.

But then again the army never is real life. They set their own rules, and do as they wish. My mom used to work as a customer service operator in Citibank taking the helpline calls and she said that the hardest people to deal with were often the middle ranking army officers - because they had developed a minor God complex and were not used to being told no or being contradicted in any way. Singaporeans tell me I am crazy when I say that reservists is a big factor in me not returning home, but given the bollocks and bullshit that I have gone through as a NSF, I do not have high hopes that things will change when I am due for reservist. The same bureacracy, the bullying, the power politics will always exist, and it is the nicer people, the responsible ones and the people who really care who will be left facing the shit when it hits the fan.

Besides, I think that what it constitues is a very real sacrifice of my time and my life - one that I really am not willing to make. The fact that I could have a wife and family and be dragged away from all of that for up to a month a year, doing something that I effectively loathe is not something I wish to consider. Further to all of this is the fact that the army's rules and regulations present a fundamental infringement of my own personal choices and my civil liberties - according to army regulations I cannot keep my hair long whilst returning for service. This might seem a trivial thing, but to me it is a very serious matter indeed. The length I choose to keep my hair is a personal choice, and has nothing to do with the army. Until the army can prove to me that people with long hair are more at risk from being shot by snipers, say, will I accept the ruling. As it stands, there is no practical benefit in cutting my hair, except for the fact that they demand it of me.

I think that living in the UK for the past two years has really made me value the importance of fundamental freedoms and rights. I have always never been one to accept orders blindly and without question and I never did completely toe the line, even when I was in the army. However, I did my rebelling in such a way that I did not get myself into trouble. Now I fear however, that if I were to return and face all of this again, I will refuse to toe the line, come what may whatever consequences there may be. And that, needless to say is not a good thing.